present

every once in a while I get a flash back of what my life was like before I had children. like tonight when I was looking at my beautiful children in the back seat of the car laughing and giggling, I remembered five years ago when I longed so much for a baby of my own. all I wanted was a couple kids in that backseat making a ruckus.  all I wanted was to trip on their toys scattered around the house.  all i wanted was to be so busy with my babies that I would forget to pee.  all i wanted was a baby to be comforted by me just holding them. all I wanted was a toddler to want nothing more than for ME to watch him jump as high as he can and tell me that I was his best friend. all I wanted was toys in the bath tub and toothpaste on the floor. all I wanted was to watch the love of my life love on my babies. all I wanted was to feel that joy of watching my child accomplish something new. all I wanted was to celebrate my babies birthday. all I wanted was to have tough decisions like deciding what preschool they would go to. all I wanted was to be a mom.


and even though I complain and I am often feeling flustered and feeling like I don't know what the heck I am doing, or exhausted with the constant fighting, or diaper changing... or screaming... I LOVE my children.  They bring me more joy than I could have ever imagined.

 and as hard as this mommy thing is sometimes, I would do it over and over and over and over again.

I am working every single second of every single day to be the mom that I want for my children. I am hard on myself and I sometimes feel like I never will be. But the important thing is that I try. and that my children know that I try. and that my children know how much I love them. 

I am working on being present. 

Its amazing what you appreciate when you are actually being present. 

My grandmother loved the saying--

yesterday is the past 

tomorrow is the future

 today is a gift

 that is why they call it the present